Diary of a Marauder
by themightyducks
Summary: The Marauders...and their secret journals. Seventh year. Next entry will be The Prank! Thank you to all our lovely reviewers...you rock!
1. Beginning of term

Okay...this is something random that TheMightyDucks (Duck Dodgers aka Star-of-Isis and Darkwing Duck aka Charlie-the-Pirate) made up in moments of blissful chocolate-eating and MSN-ing. We hope that you like our efforts! If not, please be sure to hit your head on the way out. Kidding, but please no flames unless they are VALID (as in severe OOC-ness) (and not just a case of "everything sucks today, I think I'll take it out on innocent writers") did I say innocent:smiles craftily:

So enough talk already, read and review!

TheMightyDucks

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**THE DIARY OF REMUS LUPIN**

Journal of Remus Lupin

Hogwarts School

September 1

First day of term. The Hogwarts Express ride is going rather well, except when we first got on that git Lucius Malfoy decided to pick on Evans. That didn't go off well with James, of course, but he didn't have his wand on him so he couldn't do anything about it.

Sirius gave Malfoy a very dirty look as he pushed James ahead of him into our compartment; I almost feel bad for Malfoy.

Almost.

September 1, later that day

It was brilliant. Sirius put on this pair of whacking great boots that he got from his "uncle"—which means Mundungus stole them for him—and clomped up and down the length of the car as loudly as possible, shouting for the whole world to hear that Narcissa (his pretty-but-horrible cousin) and Lucius were in LOOOOVE and getting MARRIED and going to have LOOOOOOTTTTTS of kids (making sure to include the fact that they would all have Lucius's oversized nose), and...

That was about the time that Malfoy came out of his compartment, boiling mad, and yelled a curse. Sirius just held up his wand (how does he look so bloody casual when he does that?) and sent it back to Malfoy, whose entire body except for his head turned into some kind of enormous mosquito (I think). The best part? Prissy Narcissy came down the aisle a second later. You should have seen the look on her face, it was priceless. She started screaming bloody murder and Sirius walked off with the absolute biggest smirk on his face, even more than Malfoy's favorite expression...Malfoy was trying to undo the hex and yell for her to come back at the same time, it was brilliant...

I suppose I should feel bad that winning Narcissa Black's heart is the one thing Lucius Malfoy cares about, and that we, the Marauders, just ruined any chances of _that_ for the next week at least, but...

The look on her face was absolutely _priceless_.

_Remus_

**THE DIARY OF SIRIUS BLACK**

The SECRET Journal of Sirius Black, Esquire

Do not open on pain of death unless of course you are Sirius

Or James Potter, also Esquire

September 8

Potions is awful. At least James is in it; I seriously think I would die if I were in there by myself. Today that prissy pinch-nosed little worm of a professor, Madame Groozlestig, made us write 500 lines on the "delicate and infinitely exciting process" of making a standard sleeping draught. Delicate, possibly. To the other there is no polite comment.

Groozlestig. Ha. The first day of Potions, when she announced her name in that ridiculous voice of hers (how much more like a horse can you sound?), I snorted my pumpkin juice (which I nicked from the kitchens before class, I've got to have something to sustain me for two bloody hours, don't I?) all over the desk.

Yeah, that was a mistake. Three days of detention. Malfoy was laughing his head off. Booger Stick (James's nickname for her) didn't take points away from him. Bloody git. Not sure if I mean the teacher or Malfoy, either.

I'll get him back for that. James casually mentioned to me that Mr. I'm-the-greatest-Slytherin-that-ever-was is in need of some Potions tutoring. What an interesting development, eh, Lucius? Hmm...I'll need to go to Zonko's and see what they have in the way of enchanted parchment...

Signing off for now,

**_Sirius Black, Esq._**

Note: I'm not really an "esquire", but the first-years believe it, which is just fine by me. I wonder if they'd believe it if I told them that I was really the son of a pirate? Nah, a little too loopy...I know! The long-lost prince of the Elves!

_Later_

I am no longer allowed to speak to first-years unless it is "strictly school-related". Does this include selling answer sheets?

_Later than first "later"_

I am no longer allowed to make first-years my personal slaves in exchange for answer sheets (For a week! What's wrong with that?).

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Reviews are very much appreciated! 

Sirius: No fanmail, please...what? You all know how gorgeous I am!

Duck Dodgers: Yes, but that's beside the point.

Sirius: (ruffles perfect hair) Do you want to be a Marauder or not?

DD: I'm not already?

Darkwing Duck: What about me?

DDodgers: I thought you wanted to be the Phantom Pirate! Or something like that! Um...(makes hasty exit as Erik swoops down into everyone's midst and chaos ensues) Run away! Run away!


	2. Mid September

TheMightyDucks strike again! Of course we have written more than this, but we prefer to hold out until more reviews-HINT HINT- are received from our wonderful audience:D**

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**THE DIARY OF PETER PETTIGREW**

Peter Pettigrew's Diary

Please Do Not Read

September 14

Sirius is brilliant. I wrote to Mum and told her and Dad about our latest prank, but didn't get an answer. I think James might have stolen the letter again. Something about not telling our parents about the Marauders. I think it's great that I'm in it, don't know why though, I'm not half as Marauder-ish as Sirius and James, or even Remus.

Anyway, Sirius this morning sent a Howler to Malfoy, he wrote that it was from Malfoy's mum, and when he opened it Sirius's voice said, "A love song from Lucius Malfoy to Narcissa Black, compliments of her loving cousin." Then he sang this Muggle song, I don't remember how it went but it was great, Sirius had even put a spell on the letter so that Malfoy couldn't destroy it.

I mean, it wasn't the greatest prank in the world, but even I can see the possibilities of using a Howler in the future. I didn't know that they could be used if you weren't angry, you know? The only ones I ever get are from Mum telling me that my cat got into the neighbor's rabbit farm again. I don't know what she's so on about.

Sorry, I ramble a lot. Like I was saying, if you can use a Howler...they _are_ the loudest thing you can find, and you can't avoid opening them. I think Sirius is on to something very big here.

_Peter Pettigrew_

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Honestly, we _are_ surprised that Sirius and James did not use Howlers before. 

Please review! We shan't post until we get at least 5 more!

TheMightyDucks


	3. Monthly Head Boy Report

Wow! Thank you so much for your kind reviews! We are honored, and as such we will try to respond to all:

**teshara: **Thanks for the email/reply; yes DDodgers for one is rather obsessed (h/s/i admits it too!) with dates etc., however for purposes of this fic Lucius's graduation date shall be ignored (also did we even mention if he was/was not a student?). Please continue reading! **The Mouse of Anon: **Wow, thanks! "Absolutely bleeding hilarious" is what we were going for, we weren't sure if we'd get there, thank you so much! **ellilyo: **Feel better, and thanks for reading! **hpfreak: **gringringrin :p And we aren't sure how many down...um...yes the name is, well, different. No idea how we came up with it; we think it had something to do with coffee and MSN.**The Fifth Marauder: **Umm...backs away to find that Sirius is already hiding there...fear not, friend, we shall continue to update! **floro13: **Yes, we agree. Completely. **Nuppu: **We, too, are not sure when they found the time; we have, however, noticed that the dates on the journals are few and far between (every week at most)...laugh out loud more, you scare more people. Try it in elevators! **Marvinlebt42: **Your wish is our command (well, sort of). **Yours Truly: **Thanks! Yeah, the perspectives thing is why we wrote it from the POV of all 4 Marauders, we're glad it turned out to be 4 different "voices" instead of 1. As Sirius would say, "Excellent!" **Aylah: **What do you mean, GREEDY:looks offended and starts to cry: Heehee excellent, we are truly glad that you think the characters are, well, in character. That was DDodgers's main goal (h/s/i is in charge of coming up with the diary titles and tried to keep even those in character). Do you like "Esquire"? **Rocks-my-socks: **Fear not, we shall! **rockergurl13: **This may be DDodgers's favorite review (she loves you all, but it makes her so happy to know her writing is in character! Especially as Peter is very difficult to write). **Elfstorm: **Medical miracle, eh? We agree...keep dying laughing! (with resurrection of course...glances around nervously...lol). **moony391:** Ok:p **Sarah: **Ten points to Gryffindor!

Thank you so much, all of you...as we got more than double the reviews we had requested (thanks!), here is the next chapter/installment/what-have-you!

TheMightyDucks**

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THE DIARY OF JAMES POTTER **

The Deepest Secrets of James Potter's Life

Do Not Read Unless You Wish to Die a Very Painful Death Involving My Friend Sirius Black (Who is Authorized to Read This) and Chocolate Frogs

September 30

Found something today, it was in Dumbledore's office when I was giving my monthly Head Boy report. While Evans...ah, Lily! Fairest of the fair, why can't you like me? I could stare into your emerald-green eyes for days, no, years, and your hair is like cascading fire...

Sorry, I will try very hard to stay on topic here. While _Evans_ was giving her report, I swiped _this_ off Dumbledore's desk:

HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY

OFFICIAL SCHOOL RULES: PROPOSED REVISIONS AND ADDITIONS

1. Students are not allowed to ride broomsticks in the corridors.

2. Students are not allowed to Charm their broomsticks into horses and ride them in the corridors.

3. Sirius Black is not allowed to even carry a broomstick in the corridors.

4. The official school uniform does not in any way incorporate pink bunny slippers or Viking helmets.

5. Students may not attempt to set up a tightrope between chandeliers.

6. Tarzan is a fictional character and his ape language is neither real nor should be used in class.

Brilliant, no? I thought about adding in some things, but decided that it would be better to do them first and _then_ have a rule made against them. Anyway, have thought of yet another way to ask Lily, no I mean Evans, oh bugger Sirius is going to laugh if he reads this, it's Lily in my journal though! BACK ON TOPIC: I have thought of a way to ask Lily to the first Hogsmeade weekend, she won't be able to refuse this one!

Must go, Peter is screeching about something that sounds very much like "Sirius! Put it out! Put it out!"

JAMES

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We couldn't wait to put this chapter up...and yes, rule number 6 is COMPLETELY random and involved an obscene amount of coffee. 

TheMightyDucks (again)


	4. Halloween month

WOW, thank you guys so much for all the great reviews! We, TheMightyDucks (heehee), appreciate every bit of input, and it's great to know that our characters are evidently, well, in character...DDodgers grins mightily (and has, sadly, wanted to use that word forever). Anyway...

**Marvinlebt42:** Muchas gracias! **ellilyo: **Cracking up is good for the soul...we decided to keep them short because...who was it that decided to keep them short? _Darkwing Duck glares at co-author. DDodgers: "What?"_ **Aylah: **Yes...Sirius and James are great, we wish we knew them personally...we know they're fictional...blinks...what?...**obsessivescottishdemocrat:**Step away from the sugar...and thanks! **Everto Angelus: **Thank you much; we had probably way too much fun writing them. :evil grin: **hpfreak:**Rules number 4 and 6 are,sadly, within the experience of one of the authors...who shall remain anonymous coughDuckDodgerscough...exceptit wasn't ape language and it was in a public market untilour legally blind friend messed it up by saying loudly, "What are you guys doing?"...oh crap didh/s/i just confess all of that?**rosebud5: **We will, and thanks much! **Elfstorm:**What do you think:winks:**ACTUALLY, #1 was James and Sirius, #2 was Sirius, #3 obviously Sirius, #4 all four of them, #5 shall remain unnamed coughSiriusandJamesonadarecough, #6 Sirius and James but it was Remus who got in trouble by Groozlestig "for not controlling your little friends, you are a prefect after all, how DARE you shirk your responsibility, blah blah blah" (by that time the Marauders had fled the room. On their not-allowed broomsticks.).**

Thank you for reading; we hope you enjoy this (short) entry, it is important because, well, lets' just say that Halloween is Marauder month...:grins evilly again:

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The SECRET Journal of Sirius Black, Esquire

Do not open on pain of death unless of course you are Sirius

Or James Potter, also Esquire

October 1

Excellent! Halloween month! Of course this means that the Marauders will have to come up with something worthy of the holiday, how about taking Snivelly on a snipe hunt? Got an owl from my friend, he's Muggle-born so he has a driving permit, wish my mum would let _me_ drive...Anyway, he goes to the States version of Hogwarts, and over holiday he and his best girl friend decided to take their cars and go jousting with billiard sticks! How brilliant is that! If they went to Hogwarts they would be honorary Marauders, that's for certain. Also he told me about the American snipe hunt, sounds like what Moony and I did to certain of my brothers the first year here. I wonder what James would think of this...

By the way, had to camp on the floor last night, I was trying to show Remus my new firecracker stash and one of them went off, completely destroyed the bed with this disgusting shimmering purple goop. I wonder what my _dear_ brother, and maybe Prissy Narcissy, would think of finding it in their pumpkin juice tomorrow? Or maybe I should pass it off as pudding...

**_Sirius Black, Esq.

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You know what to do...next one will be longer we promise! _**

TheMightyDucks


	5. To Be Strictly Enforced Regarding Stairs

Wonderful reviews...thank you to all...we have really enjoyed writing this story and it is now time to retire...

_**JUST KIDDING**_...we're not even close to done:Backs away from torch-and-pitchfork crowd: We didn't mean it, we swear!

**Everto Angelus: **Definitely; Sirius is hilarious and should be a real person...um, wait, he's not? What is this you are saying? **ellilyo: **"somehow, u guys make me grin after only a couple of lines." :Blushes: Wow,thanks! We try.:grins: **Aylah: **No, you weren't confusing...we were just joking, saying Sirius wasn't fictionaland blinking ("What do you mean, he's fictional?" :blinks in confusion: "He's not real?"). **ryoko6: **We're having waaaay too much fun to stop...and thanks, btw. **Elfstorm: **Groozlestig, mentioned in chappie #1 and aka Booger Stick, is the potions professor. Shesounds like a horse and she looks a bit like one, too.Hopefully this chapter will be longer...we've added more rules! And no, this isNOT the last of the rules. :grins evilly:**Rocks-my-socks:**No worries there...this thing will go on as longas possible. :Grins VERY evilly: And nothing can stop us! Nothing, I tell you! Hahahahahaha--cough--hack--choke--wheeze--THUD. _Darkwing Duck: "You okay?" Duck Dodgers: "Shut up, you fool! Help me up!" Darkwing: "Excuse us for a moment." BAM. "Much better." (As we have said, the authors have not killed one another YET...lol we shan't,our alter egos don't mesh well but the :twitch: people work well together...right, Darkwing? Darkwing?) THE DUCK HAS LEFT THE BUILDING._ Okay,we're done now. **Nuppu: **:blushes again: Wow, thanks for a great review! We're so glad you like this story...and no, despiterequesting coughorderingcough that you scare people in elevators...lol...we're not as odd as we seem. (Darkwing: "We're not?") As promised, this entry is a tad longer, and involves yet another list of "rules"...some of which we don't really want to know who was responsible for them. :grins:

Well,that seems to cover it,we hope you'll all enjoy this entry...we really did...and please review, we are NOT greedy for reviews (lol thanx, Aylah), it's just fun to hear what you have to say.Suggestions welcome!

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**THE DIARY OF JAMES POTTER**

The Deepest Secrets of James Potter's Life

Do Not Read Unless You Wish to Die a Very Painful Death Involving My Friend Sirius Black (Who is Authorized to Read This) and Chocolate Frogs

_(Scribbled in ink on the cover)_ JAMES POTTER'S MANLY JOURNAL

October 5

First years are like house elves: they toil, sweat, and bleed for us and they're _happy_ about it. They enjoy it immensely, they really do. I honestly don't understand why it's frowned upon to hire first years to do one's bidding! What is the world coming to? It's not as if we don't pay them...

On that note, what else are first years for? There are far too many of them anyway, Sirius was right. Can't believe he got a week's detention. Besides, it's not like we treat them like house elves, we _did_ let them keep their own clothes (Sirius suggested uniforms but that would have made it easier for Snivelly to spot, the stupid git.).

I've discovered a couple new rules while snooping around Dumbledore's office—I swear, he's either foggy-brained or, more likely, he puts them out on purpose—a few, I'm proud to say, were entirely my own doing.

7. Sirius Black is not permitted within a three meter radius of the first-year dormitories.

8. Quidditch game balls and anything else with self-propelling capabilities are not EVER permitted in the library.

9. Cauldrons and rope are not to be used to pull food up the side of the Astronomy Tower at _any _time, especially during class.

10. The large potion cauldrons are not to be used as "tanks" or any other type of vehicle; this rule is to be _strictly enforced_ regarding stairs.

11. Enslavement of a student/a body of students is not to be considered a behavioral study.

12. It is absolutely forbidden to Glamour the enchanted Great Hall ceiling with cracks and thus attempt to convince first years that the sky is falling.

If I may say so, the last was a great and eternally brilliant idea of mine. I believe that number 9, too, had something to do wi—

OH! I think I see Lily coming this way!

JAMES

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Thank you for all the WONDERFUL reviews; we look forward to hearing from you!

TheMightyDucks


	6. Good Boys and Bad

Well, it's high time we updated and thanked all our great reviewers! First off, we'd like to say you guys are awesome, and an inspiration; we had the first few entries planned out but are basically winging it from here (Duck Dodgers BSes more stuff than h/s/i should, anyway).

**Aylah: **Yes, he was "that incredibly distracted" :winks: The same thing happens in this chapter, only in a different way. **Everto Angelus:** But of course WE were never like that as sixth-graders...um...and yes, you are right. Run in terror from the screaming hordes! **Nuppu: **We (and yes, this is Duck Dodgers answering, I'm just going to say "I" when the situation/sentence calls for it) enjoy your reviews very much. I bet there _is_ a list like that at your school, lol, and yeah James and Sirius are the main troublemakers as far as we can tell. Peter is supposed to sound pathetic, thank you MUCH for thinking so (lol!). Don't worry...there is an elevator in your future somewhere...um...(Darkwing Duck suggests banks and/or hospitals, hospitals usually are the best...I mean, I know nothing about such things...). Anyway, thank you much, and please keep reading/reviewing! **SuperChibis: **Here you are:) **rockergurl13: **Thanks! Some chappies are better than others, so we're glad you think so! **Elfstorm: **That they should be taken as compliments has been duly noted. :) Does "DA" mean Dad or District Attorney? If it means the 2nd, then we really have something good here...lol jk...Sirius and James would be proud that you're corrupting your little brother, oh wait, I forgot, that's the purpose of little brothers (except for the few sweet ones, which I hope you have)...really, thank you very much, and happy reading! **The Mouse of Anon: **Let's see...#7 obviously Sirius; #8 all four of them (James nicked the Quidditch balls and the others were, shall we say, _experiments/projects_ for Charms); #9 was thought up by James, encouraged by Remus (who was always hungry in Astronomy), orchestrated by the unwitting Peter, and blown out of proportion by Sirius, who decided that it would be a good idea to have a food fight when one of the Slytherins "accidentally" dropped a telescope on his foot; #10 was a race between Sirius and James; #11 was Sirius (see previous entries); and #12 was, as stated, the "great and eternally brilliant idea" of James's.

TheMightyDucks**

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**THE DIARY OF REMUS LUPIN**

Journal of Remus Lupin

Hogwarts School

October 12

Yesterday Sirius nicked the Bludgers from the Quidditch chest and gave them to Peter to set loose in the Slytherin dormitories. There was a massive exodus from the dungeons. Normally I would frown on this, since people could (and most likely did) get hurt, but as it's October, I don't mind. In fact, I thought I was going to die from laughing so hard.

Also, James managed to convince the house elves that Filch's office was to be promptly cleaned and refurbished with Gryffindor colours. Filch came storming out of his office and demanded to see Professor Dumbledore. I don't know why the Headmaster lets us get away with what we do. I guess it's because everyone adores James and Sirius. I suppose me too, that's what James always tells me: "If you're a Marauder, you're like royalty." I don't think either Peter or I are as Marauder-ish as Sirius and James, but I'm not complaining. Speaking of, I wonder what those two have planned for Halloween. I've had a few ideas, but nothing spectacular so far.

_Remus_

_Later_

Bloody wicked! Peter came running up to me all excited this afternoon, said James and Sirius couldn't find me but they wanted to tell me about Halloween. I won't even write it here, I don't want to spoil anything.

**THE DIARY OF SIRIUS BLACK**

The SECRET Journal of Sirius Black, Esquire

Do not open on pain of death unless of course you are Sirius

Or James Potter, also Esquire

October 18

Whoever thought detention was a capital way of punishing children should—wait, mustn't say anything bad about snitchers, coughSnivelluscough. Git is definitely not the word for someone who lands you in detention for a bloody _week_ with some Slytherin. I don't recall her name at the moment but I will NEVER forget that voice. It could scrape the hide—scale by scale—off a dragon! What a nightmare! I can't beli

Sorry, had to talk to Peter for a moment. Still hasn't mastered his Transfiguration homework. What is there to master? Honestly, I sleep through most of McGonagall's classes.

Well, must go, time for dinner! And time to start really planning our Halloween prank. Even Dumbledore won't expect _this_!

Ever yours,

**_Sirius Black, Esq._**

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We hope that you have enjoyed thus far the, um, _interesting_ adventures of the Marauders; as previously stated, Duck Dodgers has a friend who is _very_ much like Sirius, and has NEVER done any of the preceding with said friend. _Darkwing Duck: coughliarcough_ Duck Dodgers:innocent smile: What are you talking about:sighs: Ah, if only Bludgers were real...guess I'll have to settle for the occasional water balloon and/or snowball... 

Anyway, thanks for the wonderful review...now all of you get out there and recruit more people in need of entertainment coughcorruptioncough!

With great sincerity and an overenthusiastic smile,

TheMightyDucks

By the way, if you'd like to contact us, we'll be back here...somewhere...attempting to write an anti-Sue story. Suggestions very welcome.


	7. JP plus LE

Once again, wonderful response to our last chapter, and the reviewers will be duly thanked...**_It has come to our attention that certain ficgoers (and you know who you are) are looking forward greatly to the Halloween Prank. As we are in need of inspiration for our anti-Sue story (preferably LOTR, Van Helsing, or HP), the best suggestion (sent to our email address, authorspluscoffee at yahoo dot com) be rewarded with the Halloween chapter two days early,along with a personal message from each Duck (aren't you excited? lol), so suggest away!_**

Now, to thank our reviewers...

**daughter of the sea: **:grins: yay, the writing styles are in character:happy dance: thanks, and pleasecontinue to read! **Everto Angelus: **;) **Cassandra:**We are overwhelmed by your enthusiasm...heehee jk, here you are! **Elfstorm:**Readthe bold/underlined/italicized part above for info on THE PRANK lol, and we're really glad that your brother likes it too; the approval of a junior Marauder is always very much appreciated! Tell him the Ducks say hi. **Aylah: **Neither can we:) **Nuppu: **Yay yay yay!"I think Remuses writing is always just so sweet - I don't know why - and he seems like a - well, just like Remus. And, well, Sirius is... well, a Marauder..." :even bigger happy dance: Sirius and James are easier to write than Remus and Peter, because like you said you have to makeRemus sound like a "sweet" person and at the same time a Marauder...and Peter has to sound pathetic (HOW, you may ask, do you do THAT?) Sirius and James have to have separate "writing personalities" as well...gah...and we are very happy that you found an elevator! Even if...sob...nobody uses it:cries: Our plotting is for nothing:straightens up: No, we shall prevail! Fear not!...okay, I'm done now. Keep reading! And read the little bold/underlined/italicized part at the top of this page, it's VERY important! **rockergurl13: **thank you so much!My personal favorite (part), of course, is Sirius saying "wait, mustn't say anything bad about snitchers, coughSnivelluscough." **ELLISE: **HAVE WRITTEN MORE, HERE IT IS, REVIEW PLEASE! AND RECOMMEND TO FRIENDS:PUPPY EYES: **tigercub16: **excellent, in the words of Sirius Black **foodisgood: **We agree wholeheartedly with your name. And grammar-fiend-improvements:GASPS IN HORROR: We should HOPE not! Duck Dodgers is somewhat of a grammar fiend h/s/itself, and as TheMightyDucks are both now college students (and that's ALL we shall reveal to our devoted, um, _reviewers_ coughminionscough, haha jk), we wish to wish you (lol) the best of luck in high school, and would like to express our benevolent...benevolence to the Middle School Marauders, which sounds like, as quoted, a "wonderful organization". Here's to pranking! And NEVER lose the Mask...it comes in handy at the oddest of times, and may earn you a free bag of potato chips and a bottle of something dubiously named "Celtic Cross"...I mean, about this situation I know nothing. :looks around: Did someone say something?

Has anyone noticed that our reviewer thanks are the same length as the chapters themselves:mutters darkly to self: _Must...remedy...maybecopyandpasteoverandoveragainsotheydon'tnotice...cough...clears throat...What?_

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**THE DIARY OF JAMES POTTER**

The Deepest Secrets of James Potter's Life

Do Not Read Unless You Wish to Die a Very Painful Death Involving My Friend Sirius Black (Who is Authorized to Read This) and Chocolate Frogs

_(Undated; written on a sheet of parchment tucked underneath back cover binding; handwriting grows steadily neater so it is assumed that the first entries were in preceding years) _

_LILY_

Lily Evans

Lily Evans-Potter

Lily Potter

Lily James Evans-Potter

Lily Potter-Evans

Mrs. Lily James

Mrs. Lily Potter

Mrs. Lily J. Potter

Madame Potter

Potter lily...water lily...Lily Potter's water lily haha that rhymes! Sort-of...

Mrs. L. J. Potter

Mrs. and Mr. James Potter

Mr. and Mrs. James Potter

Ms. Lily Evans

LE + JP

Lily Evans Potter

Lillian Evans Potter

Lillian Rose Evans Potter

Lily and James

James and Lily

James + Lily

James Potter & Sons (Quidditch Equipment for All Ages and Skill Levels)

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_(In the handwriting of Sirius Black on said parchment) _

Jamesy-boy and Evans sittin' under the willow tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love

Then comes marriage

Then comes the baby in the baby carriage

Jamesy-boy and Evans sittin' under the willow tree

F-I-G-H-T-I-N-G (wait that's 8 letters isn't it? Stupid Muggle rhythm)

First goes love

Then goes marriage

Then goes the baby in the baby carriage

Jamesy-boy WHO IS READING OVER MY SHOULDER...

_(Inkblot)_

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We apologize for the lack of mention of THE PRANK, as Elfstorm (high five!) has somewhat-unknowingly named it; it shall return, fear not! 

With a delighted cackle and an even more disturbing overenthusiastic smile than last chapter's,

TheMightyDucks

SIGNING OFF.

Not really.

We'll be back here...waiting for suggestions (see top of page)...and reviews! Gotta love 'em.


	8. The Sonnet: You knew it was coming

Wow...thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews, guys! Here is a COMPLETELY random thing that we made up on MSN one day...and **TheLovelyLily**, there is somewhat of a chronological order...but...that's about it. Randomness is the key here. Eventually the Halloween Prank will be revealed as well...we have yet to drink enough caffiene, lol.

**Srry for the way I am: **"Interesting" is a good word...lol. **Everto Angelus:**That's actually a great compliment since NOTHING makes Duck Dodgers feel better when h/s/i is feeling down (except maybe ice cream lol). Thanks! **Joy:** We hope this chapter brings you your namesake. **Nuppu:** Hopefully you went on a REALLY long trip, since Duck Dodgers's updating computer has been broken for _2 weeks_ (the agony!). Sad to say, we have not yet written The Prank, but we know what it is...and suggestions are great. Good luck with your crush, that sounds like great fun! **rockergurl13: **I was debating putting lastchapter up because it _is_ pointless, but it was funny so we did anyway. We probably did miss some...oh well. :) Thanks for being such a dedicated reviewer! **padfootsnogger: **WOW...:blushes: a huge long very kind review AND an email! Wefeel like...Marauders! Or something...Here is your update;we sincerely hope that you like it, and please do continue to review (and tell your friends about our slightly deranged caffiene-fueled fic!); we appreciate it a lot! Last, but not least by any means, **LIz: **Thank you, and as we said the stupid computer has been broken for 2 weeks (aargh!), so here you are!

ENJOY, ALL!

**

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**"The Sonnet To Lily Rose Evans Who Doesn't Like Me Even Though I Try to be Nice to Her and Compliment Her and Ask Her Out and Oh Bugger Sirius is Laughing Again" **

**by James H. Potter, Esquire**

How do I love thee, Lily, let me count the ways...

Darn this could go on for days...

Your eyes are like pools of deep forest green

Your hair has the beautifulest fiery sheen

_**Beautifulest isn't a word, James**_

I love you like Sirius!

Oh wait—let's be serious!

I don't love certain people who write in my sonnets

Because they annoy me and..._(smudged word that looks vaguely like "sonnets")_

_**Can't think of a word that rhymes with sonnet, eh mate?**_

YOU'RE RUINING A PERFECTLY GOOD POEM TO LILY!

Who—ha, Padfoot, this rhymes—makes my heart feel silly

I wish we could sit in the Astronomy Tower ...

_**And what, my dear Jamesy-boy, snog by the hour?**_

Thank you, dear Sirius, for all your help

Now get away from my journal before I hex you to_—(smudged word)_

_(smear)_

_(footprint)_

_-_

I didn't mean it, Lily, I don't fight with my friends!

Oh, shut it, Sirius, I don't need _you_ laughing again.

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Duck Dodgers' personal favorite part is "footprint". H/s/i just thought they'd add that. Please review...we really enjoy hearing from you!

TheMightyDucks


	9. How To Annoy Your Dormmates

To our lovely and oh-so-patient reviewers: WE ARE TERRIBLY SORRY THAT WE HAVE NOT UPDATED "THE PRANK" YET...TheMightyDucks are both starting college, and life is absolutely insane, with very little communication between the two authors. We doubly apologize if this chapter is not exactly up to par...coughBADcough...we kinda tossed it off. The Prank is in the making, however, and will be updated as soon as possible. Again, please do have patience with us...we're doing our best!

Now, to individual reviews: **Nuppu:** I hope you didn't go on another trip, because it took FOREVER for us to update this! Oops...(runs in terror as fans come after h/s/i with pitchforks). If your email IS working, ideas would be great...but we forgive you, haha. No, just kidding--just keep reviewing! And yay, no more writer's block...maybe we ARE making a difference in the world, even if we aren't taking it over (see our profile)...hmm. **Everto Angelus: **yayyayyayyayyayyayyay (hyperventilates) haha jk, glad you're feeling better, and hopefully this chappie will be decent enough to keep you that way...? **where-my-heart-resides: **James is one of our favorite characters as well (Duck Dodgers: coughSiriuscough); we won't make him get into TOO much trouble coughnotcough (laughs evilly). **Secret Day: **Oh yes, the sonnet--as we said, you knew it was coming. WOW we had way too much fun writing that thing...**padfootsnogger:** a-HEM...no haha we THINK that's a good thing that we're your heroes...although the second half of your sentence leaves us in doubt...hmm, perhaps we shall have to call up the Marauders...haha jk. Thanks for the email, btw; it's great to hear from people and we needed SOME kind of inspiration; hopefully this chapter will be enough...the Prank is coming, I swear! (Note the date on this entry). Keep reading, and don't worry, we love randomness too! Go Marauders! **Sirius-strider: **Fear not, friend, the Prank is coming! Next chapter...note the October 30 on this entry! **KicKstand: **wow, that was one of the more random reviews we've received...and we love the word "awesome" as well...so go awesomeness! Sirius is the greatest HP character on the face of the earth, in the humble coughNOTcough opinion of Duck Dodgers...I think that Darkwing may prefer Snape...not sure, haha. The Prank is just around the corner, and thanks for reviewing, we look forward to hearing from you! **Oh Girl:** wow :blushes: thanks! Very kind of you...please do keep reading/reviewing! **Nancy:** here you are, and thank you! **foodisgood: **Yay! You're back! Thanks...and yes, definitely; I was wondering if anyone would pick up on the "smudged word that looks vaguely like sonnet" part...so nice going, haha, and please keep reviewing!

Well, that's all the reviewers, so here is the next installment in the highly random saga of the Marauders! In case any of you were wondering, yes, we do live in dorms, and know EXACTLY how to annoy our roommates. Read on!

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The SECRET Journal of Sirius Black, Esquire

Do not open on pain of death unless of course you are Sirius

Or James Potter, also Esquire

October 30

Tomorrow is Halloween! I wish I could write an evil laugh into these pages...hey, maybe I can! James found out how to charm voices into pages...very effective when attempting to ask out Evans (again). "Effective", of course, doesn't always mean "good"--she hit him over the head with her textbook when he wrote that coughhorriblecough sonnet of his on her desk and it wouldn't shut up during class. Poor James...but the look on Evans's face was brilliant, I swear Moony nearly choked to death with laughter. Next time, maybe he'll write the sonn--well, hello there. What's your name? And how did you get into this diary? James calls me paranoid, but really, it's just a question of common sense--one day some intrepid (and incredibly idiotic) "Marauder take two" will figure out the password to this thing (and HOW long did it take you before you figured out that the stupid thing was "Best Hair Award"! Honestly, young people nowadays!)

Cough. Ahem. Where was I? Oh, right, so I've made this entry for the sole purpose of instructing my soon-to-be-protege in the art of driving one's dormmates crazy. Here are a few to start you off:

1. Hide a box under your bed with odd symbols scrawled on it. Take it out once a day and look into it. Frown and look closer. Mutter, "How long does this thing TAKE?" When your roommate asks what you're doing, jerk around and slam the lid shut. Repeat every day.

2. Arrange thirteen quills on your pillow each morning. Refuse to discuss them.

3. Every time your roommate enters the room, dive for your bed and slam the curtains shut. Poke your head out and smile when you see it's just him (or her if you're a girl...)

4. Spend five minutes arranging and re-arranging your chair before you begin to study. When satisfied, sit down, shove chair back to a comfrotable distance, and put feet up on desk.

5.Toss an invisible ball up and down. When your roommate asks you to stop, threaten to throw it at him.

6. Say everything in a very loud voice. Pretend that you can't hear your roommate.

7. Move all your roommate's things two inches to the left. When he asks you about this, play dumb. Repeat with four inches. See how long it is before he catches you.

8. Put a trail of candy on the floor. See if he follows it.

Well, that's all I can think of at the moment...I don't think I should put some examples in here, y'know. Moony would kill me, first off, and James...well, James will never find out, now will he?

coughrigabucketofwaterabovethedoorwaycough

James didn't appreciate that one so much.

Happy Halloween Eve!

_**Sirius Black, Esq.**_

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Please review! 


	10. The Prank

Here it is...the moment you've all been waiting for! Drumroll, please...ladies and gentleman, THE PRANK!

And now, a word from our sponsors:

**always-mr-moony: **ooh, do! Lily and James and hilarious Marauders...me likee! **padfootsnogger: **Thank you so much for your update-or-die (erp) emails...here it is at last...and actually posted on the day of the entry! (well, if you read Oct. 32 as Nov. 1st...and don't count Eastern time...) Hope you enjoy it! **Everto Angelus: **the sad truth is that the number one way to annoy your roommate is to leave your crap everywhere...but we can wish, right? Hope you enjoy this chappie! **The Female Nerd:** happy halloween! **KicKstand:** lol! We really enjoyed your review...hopefully we did a good enough job on this chapter (which actually WAS written on Halloween night, so it's fueled by candy haha) **Rayvn-Amre:** we hope so! **ranting-lunitic:** haha...but that is the POINT of diary entries! Short and...well, insane! **EndlessMemories: **happy halloween to you too! **Sirius-strider: **no worries...we're just glad you reviewed! **chaotic pink chocobo:** :grins: **foodisgood: **Great to hear from you again!

ENJOY! Happy Halloween!**

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THE DIARY OF SIRIUS BLACK

The SECRET Journal of Sirius Black, Esquire

Do not open on pain of death unless of course you are Sirius

Or James Potter, also Esquire

October 32

Waiiiit...that's not even a day. WOW that pumpkin juice James gave me must have had something in it...

First off, I must say that the Marauders are the most brilliant people to ever exist...second, I am the leader of the Marauders, third...right, I'll stop there. Besides, Jamesy-boy would kill me if he knew that I really was the leader...or cry...hmm.

Right. Sorry. So the reason that SOMEONE put something in my pumpkin juice...it all started with the cannonball; no, _that_ was because Peter missed Prissy Narcissy's head and the pudding landed on Dumbledore...sorry, I'm a bit confused right now. It _really_ started with James's not-so-great idea that turned into one of the proudest moments of my life, watching Snivelly run screaming through the water and...

Get ahold of yourself, Sirius!

...right, just got back from a very cold shower, now I'm awake enough to...(blob)

Perhaps I should continue this later, when I'm more (smear) awake _umbrella snork puddings sound good James didn't do it I swear waiiit...orang banana pudding (smear, inkblot)_

Is it bad that I consider the worst part of that falling-asleep-while-writing sentence to be the fact that I spelled "orange" wrong?

OKAY OKAY I'M AWAKE NOW! Note to self: thank Moony for that lovely potion, some Muggle thing or other. Coughee? Something like that...wow this stuff makes you alert...

Right. The Prank to end all pranks. Except for the time we got Snivelly to follow a trail of gumdrops through the entire school and hexed his hair pink when he said that he was following them because he "suspected something"...stupid git.

So last night, Halloween, Remus and I went down to the Great Hall and walked in like we didn't know what day it was (right). We sat down at our usual table, my little brother the prick looking over at us suspiciously, and waited for the show to begin.

You should have seen the _look_ on my cousin's face when water began to rise out of the floor. She screamed bloody murder and nearly jumped into Snivelly's arms (I swear, that's the one and only time I will EVER feel sorry for the greasy arse...and by "sorry", I mean "not-but-it-looks-noble-to-write-it"). Remus looked like he was going to die laughing. By the time the water reached table level, everyone was standing _in_ their food on the tables—you could hear the girls complaining about their robes—but they didn't realize that...well, wood floats, y'know...

Enter Prongs.

James and Peter flung open the doors and sailed in. Yes, _sailed_ in. My brilliant idea, if I do say so myself...James nodded to us and we took off our robes...

Yes, dear reader, I _will_ let you rest on that lovely image.

_I am not a stupid bigheaded prick, Moony!_ Git was reading over my shoulder, you'll have to pardon him, he's just a slow werewolf WHO IS READING OVER MY SHOULDER AG—

(smear)

Some people just don't know when to keep to their own business. Stupid werewolves...

So, robeless, we...fine, all right, all right. CURSE YOU, MOONY STAY AWAY FROM MY DIARY! Yes, it _is _a diary! I'm not ashamed to admit it!

...robeless, we were _not._ We had the most bloody wonderful pirate outfits underneath, complete with hats! I jumped up on our already-floating table and waited until the Bloody Marauder—Peter made up the name (he's a bit mad, me lads)—came by, and Moony and I climbed aboard.

Dumbledore—we'd almost forgotten about him, so we looked over and saluted. McGonagall's robes had gotten wet, and she looked like she was ready to scream, but I think Dumbledore was trying not to laugh. Especially when we fired on the Slytherin table and started taking prisoners.

Snivelly was first, naturally. Then we made him walk the plank, and when he landed in the water we watched with, um, great amusement as he saw the absolutely _brilliant_ shark that Moony conjured up...I would pay a thousand Galleons to see him screaming like a little girl and running through the waist-deep water again, not even noticing that we had hexed his hair pink again...

Prissy Narcissy was next of, course, and I have to say that I've never heard her bawl like that, not even when Lucy-boy ("Oh, Mr. Malfoy, can you help me? I don't think I understand this ridiculously easy potion! Oh, _do_ show me how to stir it...") got a hair cut three weeks ago.

The teachers finally gave us detention when one of our fake cannonballs broke the staff table in half. It was bloody worth it, though.

Happy Halloween!

And you, reader that I met earlier...I've forgotten your name...we _were_ robeless. Technically.

**_Sirius Black, Esq._**

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Please review! 


	11. Holiday Spirit

Hello hello! We have, through extreme boredom coughguiltcough, decided to update this story. I have NO idea how long it will be between updates, and most likely the plot (or lack thereof) will trail off into absolutely nothing (see The Sonnet: You Knew It Was Coming chapter), but...yah. On to reviews!

**foodisgood:** ooh. pain. I hate that. Coffee is very very good...you should definitely drink more of it. **Disco-Dancing on the Roof:** hmm...I don't, but that sounds like a great idea. I shall have to look into this. **The Female Nerd:** thanks! haha we spent quite a while working on it. **EndlessMemories:** lol! yes...Snape and the shark...great stuff. **balinnka:** thanks for reading, and yes, we need to put a disclaimer saying that this story doesn't particularly have a plot...it's just supposed to be the look-into-the-lives-of-the-Marauders-through-their-random-blurbs, like little snapshots. Besides, I don't really see any of them besides Moony writing long, detailed diary entries. **chaotic pink chocobo:** haha! thank you much. **ARandomPerson:** thank you, advice will be followed immediately. Although I rather prefer the Halls Fruit Breezers, they are quite good. **miwako 3** :hyperness is the greatest state of mind. Well, mostly. **The Phoenix Queen: **haha! thank you btw. **padfootsnogger: **wow, thanks! We're really glad you're getting back into fanfiction...way too much fun. thanks for the kick-in-the-pants-get-up-and-WRITE email...we needed a bit of inspiration. **closetconspirators: **Anyone who uses the word "woot" in their review is instantly our partner-in-crime. Thanks! **Nuppu: **what can I say? We love your reviews...and yes, it took a great deal of time to think up The Prank, but I think it was worth it. WE ACTUALLY POSTED THAT ENTRY _ON_ NOVEMBER 1 (October 32) TOO! Anyway...we hope to hear from you soon! **lil'rook:** thank you! yes, Sirius and James are easier to write for, but that's because we can be more outrageous/stupid/etc. with theirs. **Lakyn: **In a nutshell...this is one of our favorite reviews. Thank you, we hope to hear from you soon!

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****THE DIARY OF JAMES POTTER**

The Deepest Secrets of James Potter's Life

Do Not Read Unless You Wish to Die a Very Painful Death Involving My Friend Sirius Black (Who is Authorized to Read This) and Chocolate Frogs

December 25

Merry Christmas! Unfortunately we were unable to hex Snivelly, as…

Ha. Scared you, didn't I? No, of course we hexed His Greasiness. Hmm…I like that name. Must discuss it with Moony, maybe he can change the name on the Marauders' Map. Can't you just see a little dot that says His Greasiness, walking down the corridor? (blot)

Just showed it to Moony, Sirius, and Wormtail…Sirius seems to think that it's a brilliant idea, but that it's even a bigger insult to refer to _anyone_ as Severus Snape. I love the way his little mind works.

His Greasiness. Ha.

Right, sorry. So Christmas…did you know that there is no limit on the amount of mistletoe that you can hang from the ceiling? Sirius helped me to, um, decorate the Gryffindor common room. Lily got an interesting surprise when she came in…and of course, I, the wonderful James, was waiting for her…

I love Christmas.

Evidently Sirius does too—he was shooting snowballs at Slytherins from the tower window—picking them up from the ground! He has pretty darn good aim. I am starting to suspect that he began using a wand much earlier than he told me.

Well, must sign off now…I'm not entirely sure that we're allowed to have Christmas trees, especially with the flaming socks that Sirius insisted on hanging from the branches, and methinks I hear McGonagall coming up the stairs…it was only a small explosion, dunno _how_ she managed to hear it.

JAMES

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**THE DIARY OF SIRIUS BLACK**

The SECRET Journal of Sirius Black, Esquire

Do not open on pain of death unless of course you are Sirius

Or James Potter, also Esquire

LUCY-BOY AND PRISSY NARCISSY ARE GOING OUT! Is that not the most disgusting thing you have ever heard?

Ohhhhh. I'm shuddering at the very thought. And evidently I am tired as well, because I have never before used the word "shuddering" in my life.

Well, what do you expect, Sirius? You spend half the night working out an elaborate plan to get down to the kitchens and steal all the eggnog…and then end up tripping on Mrs. Norris halfway down the stairs, and run around Hogwarts for half an hour with Filch right on your tail…

AAAAAAGH! I'm going crazy! I'm losing my…Marauder-ness! The great Marauder-in-chief Sirius Black would NEVER before have gotten within even several corridors of that little mangy…

Calm. Calm is good.

I'll talk to you for a bit, shall I?

No…baaaad…I'm talking to my diary…must…find…James…

(several lines skipped)

Goodbye for now, and Merry Christmas! James and I are planning to send, um, presents to everyone. I believe Snivelly is getting a large lump of coal. If we're feeling particularly generous. Otherwise Moony and Wormtail have come up with a lovely surprise for him.

Goodbye again.

_**Sirius Black, Esq.

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You know what to do...Merry...holidays? and a Happy New Year!**_

themightyducks


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